TeenChallengeUSA.com

[lily00]

Please pray that I find the help I need. I am pretty much tired of self-injury and all that comes along with it. I am full of guilt, shame, and can't look at my face in the mirror without being disgusted with myself. I turn 22 on August 22nd, and I feel like I have accomplished close to nothing, because I feel like nothing. And what else is I was sexually abused by my father for about three years, and I am constantly plagued by that. I think I should be able to forgive, and I say it over and over I forgive him, I forgive him... but then the memories keep coming. And I am still hurt by that, and of course cutting is my coping mechanism for being unable to handle these emotions. What was once a solution to what whatever I was feeling, has just left me now broken and afraid. I am just sick of waking up in the mornings, seeing these scars on my body, then going off to work and off into the world and pretend like all is normal. Did your cat do that? yes I have a cat. Yes, I have a rambunctious kitty. but deep down I fear they can see right through me. that they will see past my lies that yes, I feel so very guilty for, and see the monster I am, the worthless, broken person I can never escape from.'

[neweverymorning]

Hi Lilly,
You are a precious child of the most high God. No matter what you see in the mirror, that is but a reflection of what was. You are a new creation in Christ Jesus. There is not one person on this earth who has not experienced ugliness and disgust and worthlessness at some point. You don't have to believe the lies. The truth is always Jesus. He never lies. He loves you. Ask him to come into your heart. He will give you new eyes, new ears, your scars will only serve as reminders of his love and salvation.Jesus has scars. He died for you. His scars prove His love. He suffered to save you. He offers you a gift. Choose life in Jesus. he will make you a new creation. Come to Him. He waits, come as you are. Just come.He's real. Jesus will enable you to do all you have to do in His time with His guidance and direction. He will heal your wounds and enable you to forgive. You can't do it in your own strength, you need God. God is not like your earthly father. He will not hurt you. Trust him. Don't believe the lies!! You are fearfully and wonderfully made!

[lily00]

thank you for your post. That was a bad day. I feel that way off and on, up and down, like a roller coaster. I know it seems like I am not saved. but I trusted Christ as my Savior when I was 15, which means I trusted in His death on the cross as payment for my sins. And then I was in a student ministry for a year, where I lived, breathed, and walked in the way of the Lord. When my mom got sick, the memories of abuse came back, and I had to move away to another city, I have failed much since then... but though that year was the best year as far as self-injury to a minimum goes, it still didn't stop. and now it is much worse. I am working on the process to get into teen challenge. Please pray when I get my benefits I will be able to get the medical done and get in as soon as I can. Until then, it isn't safe for me to be living alone, so I might have to stay with some friends of mine. I don't want to die. I do want to get back to God because I know He is the answer. I just can't get there alone. And this cutting has to stop.

Psalm 139:14 is what I put on my Birthday cake. But I have to work on believing the truth instead of the many lies I have believed since forever.

[neweverymorning]

Good morning lily00,
i was so happy to see you today! you've been in my prayers all week. God is doing good things in your life.You are not alone. God has sent you a e-prayer-partner in me. i pray as you make your way thru each moment of each day, His hand would be upon you, leading you thru peaceful places. thank Him always and everywhere. He won't leave you alone. I'm glad you know Him, then you know He doesn't lie. when you sink into doubt and despair, CHOOSE to turn your thots to Him. It's all about what we believe and we already have the victory. "It is finished". Jesus has taken your sin. when you are tempted to cut, remember you are God's holy temple. sometimes it hurts to love even ourselves, actually it's probably hardest to love ourselves, yet God wants us to value the life He has given us. you are so valuable to Him-you truly ARE fearfully and wonderfully made- what a lovely birthday cake you had with that reminder on it! may all your days be full of new life.life IS like a roller coaster. did you ever see that movie- i think it's parenthood- with steve martin- his wife likens life to a roller coaster ride -sometimes you're scared to pieces , as you make that climb to the top of the rails and then begin the 'ride of your life' down again- some hold on with the white-knuckle grip, full of fear and squeezing their eyes shut tight, while others fling their arms up in the air and scream with delight and simply enjoy the ride, letting go. i can imagine the rush one would get from that although i have to confess I would be the fearful one- but just imagining it's me being that free gives me a sense of freedom and excitement! can you feel it? WHHHEEEEEEEEEEE! you can make it thru. you HAVE made it thru, you are here praise God for a wonderful you. just as you are, come to Him, be open, honest, real. He knows all your secrets. He loves you just the same.
Lord God, I lift up lily00 to you at this very moment. Hold her close to you, may she feel your loving arms wrapped around her, your tender hands nursing her self-inflicted wounds. You, oh Lord, are the way. You are the joy in the ride of life. Thank you God for allowing me to offer up prayers and love on behalf of your beautiful child. Protect her with your angels and do not let any harm come to her I pray in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. amen. x

[lily00]

I wish I could imagine how my life would be without self-injury. It has seemed to become a big part of me, as well as fear. Fear makes the rollercoaster an unpleasant ride. Fear is seeing the track ripped in two and you are headed towards that destruction. so far I have felt like a failure in life. I know I have accomplished a lot, but is all a waste, because I have been throwing my life away with this painted mask. The painted mask is the person who I want to be: carefree, strong, happy, smart, living a pure, and sanctified life. but behind that, I am broken. I have been living a lie. and though I am forgiven, I have a hard time forgiving myself for this. I literally take it out on myself.

when I cut, it seems to take away any emotion. But it also numbs out the good emotions. that is why I say I am just existing. And I have prayed for so long to be able to live again. I just fear God hasn't answered me, because of self-injury. and though I ask forgiveness, I always end up cutting again. and so I don't anymore.

[neweverymorning]

A prayer for you to pray. Come close to God and He will come close to you. Choose not to believe the lies. Jesus is in your heart, He is the truth.

"Thank you God that you are faithful and true to your promises, You are the great healer, my strength when I am weak, You make me whole, You love me JUST AS I AM, You know I am afraid to trust, I cannot hide from you, you know me too well. I confess that I have made wrong choices and I want to be right with you. I want to but I don't know how. Show me how. Teach me to love myself as you love me. You said I am fearfully and wonderfully made but I don't feel it. I need you God. I come to you in the name of Jesus, knowing that you are able. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. I am lost without you God. Father, I come to you without my mask, you see me, I am ashamed and broken and you look at me and I want to hide from you but you know my hiding place. You are calling me into the light. I am afraid, I don't know what will happen, I will be exposed for all to see, I'm scared to let go but I know you are the help I seek. By the power of your Holy Spirit and in the name of Jesus your son, I come to you. I trust you even tho I am afraid. Perfect love casts out all fear. You are perfect love. I give you the fear that keeps me stuck. I lay it down at your feet. You will not leave me ever ever ever. I choose to trust you. You are God. Thank you."

[lily00]

wow is all I can say.

[lily00]

It got bad Friday and my therapist wanted me to go stay with someone until I got my medicals done and was able to go in. so I am staying with a nice family right now from my Celebrate Recovery group and just go home to feed my cat and get clothes. I feel safer there at least for now. I am thankful to GodI have such a wonderful support system. But I have been having urges to cut again. It isn't anger, but a volcano is only how I know how to describe it. the urges keep building up, and then it happens. Then you feel guilty for doing it, and you do it again. I can't wait for the process to stop. My friends I am staying with also suggested an income based clinic. I can get in right away after Labor day, and it would actually be cheaper because of my income then when I get my insurance September 7th and have to pay my deductible. then the only other thing I would have to wait for is my social security card which should be coming in very soon. (I had actually lost it and my birthcertificate, and I have had to get both of these back). But until then, I feels safer. It is hard to talk when I have the urges, but it is harder for me when there are people around. Just pray for my saftey right now. I am just scared and tired. and I can't stay alone anymore, because I can't handle it anymore. God knows how to bring the right people though in my life...

[neweverymorning]

sounds like you are doing positive things, lily00. you are seeking help, receiving help, confessing, praying, trusting, waiting, tired and wanting to let go...Jesus said, "Come, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." He is faithful to His word. He will give you rest. He loves you and is pleased with you . Don't believe the lie that you are shameful because you have these urges. Jesus' arms are open to receive and hold you just as you are. You are doing good things, positive things. Trust Him. I'm lifting you up to the Master Healer. In the name of Jesus I pray for your safety. He will never leave you.

[lily00]

I got accepted into teen challenge!!!!!!!!!! She said she could take me tomorrow, but I have to transfer power of attorney to my sister and a few other things, so this Monday I am taking a train to San Antonio, and I am going in. I am still in shock. I can't believe this is finally happening... I am going to be able to stop cutting and get back to God... I am in utter shock.